my comeback 2.0

Posted on: November 21, 2011

So someone told me I should be posting more. I have to admit I’ve avoided this blog like the plague.  I was doing so well, I was down 20, 25 pounds, doing everything I needed to be doing. I felt like I had everything under control for a few moments.

But then something happened.

I don’t even know what. I haven’t been as open about it on here like I should have, and not because I’m embarrassed, but I’ve been dealing with postpartum depression from this last baby (who is now 11 months!!) It has just been up and down, hit or miss. Cry all day, the next day I’m ok. Stay in bed all day, don’t sleep for 3 nights. I have two little babies that still wake up all night in intervals, I never get more than 1 hour stretches of sleep, and I’ve always been a light sleeper to the point where it interferes with getting sleep. The lack of sleep, the lack of will to take care of myself, not being prepared in my kitchen, having my mom visit (i.e. move in for 6 months,) sick children, breastfeeding, music career, going to school full-time online, relationship issues, no adult interactions… it is all weighing me down. I weigh almost what I started this journey at, which is depressing to gain all your hard work back. I don’t remember the last time I exercised with the purpose of exercising, I don’t remember the last time I turned down emotional eating opportunities. 

It all came to a terrible head today as I was cleaning/unpacking (it’s only been a year since I moved, why not start) and I found a box of my winter non-maternity clothes. I had packed them away since I was pregnant last year and they were starting to not fit. I cannot believe that I am fatter at this moment than I was 7 months pregnant. WTF! How does that even work? I was about to cry looking at the clothes, sizes 12 and 14. And to think those were my fat clothes, I would probably jump out a window if I found the box of size 8’s. It was a very hard moment to deal with. But then I looked at them and said I can either be discouraged or I can be motivated. 

Don’t let my exciting caps fool you, my heart isn’t in it. But I’m sick and tired of being in this rut. I’m tired of not knowing what I need. I don’t know who I am. I don’t know what I want, I don’t know what I love anymore. I’m lost and wandering and out of touch with myself and my body. I don’t recognize what I see, I’ve never been in this bad of shape before. It’s almost as if I’ve resigned to this as my permanent fate.  

What I see in the mirror is only a symptom of my problems, not my problem. I’ve got a lot of sorting out to do.

But anyways, I’m setting some small goals for that.

  • This week I commit to drinking water and keeping my body hydrated. 
  • This week I commit to making myself breakfast before I feed anyone else.
  • This week I commit to taking the time to do my studies and homework and not add more stress by waiting until the last minute to do so.
  • This week I commit to getting to know myself.

It can’t get much worse than this. Can it? 


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